Flailing And Hopefully Not Failing
by FearIsButFearItself
Summary: This story includes and does not limit to: Confused people, cake with strawberries and whipped cream, puppies, George Bertha Klaine John Lenny Reni Bartholomue The Third the goldfish, a spazzing Ed, a flailing Envy, fuzzy hats and siding with the enemy.


_**Flailing And Hopefully Not Failing**_

**Summary:**_ This story includes and does not limit to: Confused people, cake with strawberries and whipped cream, puppies, George Bertha Klaine John Lenny Reni Bartholomue The Third the goldfish, a spazzing Ed, a flailing Envy, fuzzy hats and siding with the enemy._

**A/N: **So, recently I have been writing a lot of FMA fanfics. Yay, right? Right! So, anyway, I've been working on this one for a few days and guess what? I'm going to post it! Joyous! I'm so excited! With me posting more stories, I actually get emails! Yay! …#foreveralone… ~Fibfi-Chan

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><p>"Oi, Chibi! I have a proposition for you!" Envy called out as he walked up to Edward in the middle of a random and deserted street in a random and unimportant town.<p>

Ed raised an eyebrow, ignoring the fact that Envy called him 'Chibi'. "Let me guess, you're going to kidnap Al and if I don't make a stone for you guys you'll destroy the blood seal?" He sighed. "Don't you remember what happened _last _time you tried that?"

Envy's eye twitched. "No! We wouldn't try something that stupid!" He paused, and then muttered under his breath, "…not again, at least." He cleared his throat. "It's different this time, I swear!"

"Then what's the proposition?" Ed asked, curious.

"Come to the dark side! We have cookies!" Envy exclaimed, grinning.

"What? No way, I'm not-!" Ed paused, his eyes then widening a moment later. "Wait… cookies?"

Envy nodded vigorously. "Yup! Cookies!"

Despite himself, Edward couldn't help but ask; "…what type of cookies?"

"Chocolate chip!" Envy answered, bouncing up and down in excitement. "And that's not all we have! If you come to the dark side, you get a really cool and fuzzy hat!"

"Mmm… Chocolate chip cookies… yum." Ed said, licking his lips at the thought. "Wait, how fuzzy are the hats?"

Envy continued bouncing up and down, the grin still on his face. "Super fuzzy! You know how a puppy is when it's like, three months old? How fuzzy it is?"

Ed nodded. "Yeah."

"That's how fuzzy the hats are! And they're super soft and smell good! Like clean laundry! Or soap! Or pizza! Or a bomb! Or soda! Or blood! Or a newly born kitten! Or a dumpster! Or a burning library! Or me!"

Ed tapped his chin. "Hmm. That's a tempting offer, but I think that I should get more than that if I join."

Envy thought about it for a moment before an idea came. "Aha! I know! If you join, then you get a super cute and adorable fishy named George Bertha Klaine John Lenny Reni Bartholomue The Third!"

Ed's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yup!"

"Hum, that sounds really cool, but still, it's not enough." Ed said after thinking about it.

"You'll get a puppy, too! One that's already trained and is only a few weeks old!" Envy said, still grinning.

"Oh man, a puppy! Al would never let me get one of those…" Ed said, really wanting the puppy. "Do I get a cool outfit that goes with the hat?"

Envy laughed. "Why, of course! It'd be one like mine, only with a left sleeve that goes from here," He indicated his mid-bicep "to here!" He now pointed to the middle of his palm. "And you'll get super awesome red tattoos to go with it!"

Ed gasped. "Really? Oh, that sounds really great! Do I get anything else?"

"Why not?" Envy asked, stillgrinning. "You'll also get an apple tree with already grown green apples that may or may not be poisonous and kill you if you even look at them wrong!"

"Oh, no way! Green apples that may or may not be poisonous, yum!"

"Yeah way! And you'll get not just that, but a really great CD with a bunch of cool songs on it!" Envy said, flailing his arms dramatically.

"What songs?" Ed asked, bouncing up and down in excitement.

"Check Yes Juliet by We The Kings, Blah Blah Blah by Ke$ha, Speak Now by Taylor Swift, Trigger Happy Jack by Poe, One (Always Hardcore) by Scooter, Hips Don't Lie by Shakira, Clint Eastwood by GORILLAZ, Low by Flo Rida, Schizophrenia by Brokencyde, 20 Dollar Nose Bleed by Fall Out Boy, The Real Slim Shady by Eminem, She's Like Heroin by System Of A Down, I Write Sins Not Tragedies by Panic! At The Disco, Pavlove by Fall Out Boy, Into The Ocean by Blue October and Don't Jump by Tokio Hotel!"

"Hmm, those are pretty good songs. Any other things that I'll get?" Ed asked, really wanting to join the dark side.

Envy rolled his eyes. "Well, duh! You'll get a huge chocolate cake! With strawberries on top!"

Ed's eyes widened. "Will the strawberries have whipped cream?" He asked, totally serious.

"Of course!" Envy exclaimed, shocked by the fact that Ed thought – even for a second – that there _wouldn't _be whipped cream. "What type of monster do you take me for? Every cake with strawberries _**must **_have whipped cream! What type of cake with strawberries would _**it even be **_without it?"

"It would be a _**horrible **_cake with strawberries without whipped cream! It'd be gross, and ugly, and-and- just _disgusting_!" Ed shouted, spazzing.

Envy flailed his arms – once again – in a dramatic fashion. "I know, right? It would be a huge crime and disgrace to _**EVERYTHING **_if that cake with strawberries didn't have whipped cream!" He yelled, still flailing his arms (dramatically!).

"Totally! If I ever saw that I would violently kill the maker of it!" Ed continued to spaz and flail, earning Envy's respect with how good he was at flailing and spazzing.

"So would I! Le gasp! I have an idea!" Envy yelled, still flailing.

"Oh my Strawberries, what is it?" Ed asked, still spazzing.

"Let's go, me and you, you and me, together, and eliminate whoever doesn't put whipped cream on their strawberries!" Envy exclaimed, grinning and bouncing up and down while continuing to flail his arms dramatically.

"That's such a great plan!" Ed yelled, still spazzing awesomely.

Envy cackled with a crazed look in his eyes. "Yes, all of those idiots that have previously _not _put whipped cream on their strawberries that are on their cakes _**SHALL DIE**_. THEY WILL PAY FOR THEIR CRIMES!"

"Yes!" Ed shouted gleefully. "They shall! And we shall give them their proper punishment, TOGETHER!"

Envy stopped cackling and stared at Ed with a grin. "So, does this mean that you're coming to the dark side?"

"Of course!" Ed exclaimed, mirroring Envy's grin. "I'm getting chocolate chip cookies, a fuzzy hat, a goldfish, a puppy, a cool outfit, tattoos, a possibly poisonous tree, an awesome CD and a chocolate cake with strawberries and whipped cream! Who _**wouldn't **_join?"

"Great!" Envy shouted, grinning, as he punched the air. "That's awesome! Now, before we start planning the deaths of lots and lots of stupid people, you need to get your red tattoos, to get changed into your new – and fashionable – outfit, eat a cookie or two and then we'll go and get you your fish and puppy, and _then _we'll begin to plan all of their deaths! Okay?"

"Okay!"

**I-Am-A-Line-Hear-Me-Yell-About-What-I-Am**

"No, I don't want to do this anymore! It'll be painful and **I'LL DIE**. Please don't make me do this, Envy, please don't!" Ed pleaded as he struggled to get off of the table/chair/THING-THAT-I-DON'T-HAVE-A-WORD-FOR which he was currently strapped down to.

"Sorry Chibi, but you have to do this. You agreed, and besides, it's not gonna hurt _that _much. You'll be fine! It'll just sting a little!" Envy said, trying to placate the blonde. Needless to say, it didn't work.

"But-but-"

"No 'but's! You're doing this!"

"F-fine… If I die, though, I'm coming back to haunt you." Ed threatened, glaring at the Homunculus.

"You'll have to go back to wherever you go after you die though, won't you?" Said Homunculus teased, smirking.

"Yes, and when I do _**I'm dragging you down to Hell with me**_." Ed's eyes darkened as he said this, and shockingly, it made Envy shudder in fear.

He nervously gulped. "…really?"

Ed nodded. "Yes, really."

"Then who'll take care of your fish and puppy?" Envy asked, wondering what the blonde chibi's answer would be.

"No-one. They'll die **and it will be your fault**."

Envy groaned and threw his hands in the air, annoyed. "Why am I always blamed for this kind of stuff? Really, why?"

Ed rolled his eyes. "Oh, I don't know, maybe because you're an insane and psychopathic _lunatic_?"

"…that hurt. It really did. It hurt right in here." Envy said as he put a hand over his heart in mock sadness.

Ed smirked at him. "Ask me if I care."

"Do you care?"

"Not at all."

"Oh, look! He's here! Hello Mr. Tattoo artist!" Envy called out, smiling and waving enthusiastically to the tattoo artist.

The tattoo artist raised an eyebrow. "Hello weird talking palm tree. So, midget, you want the red tattoos right? Okay. Don't worry, if you just hold the branch that looks like a hand on the weird talking palm tree, you'll be fine. It'll just sting… a lot. You might cry."

"W-what?" Ed exclaimed, horrified.

"I told you that it would sting, Chibi!" Envy taunted, grinning from ear to ear.

"Oh, I must be high or something. That palm tree is talking again. Huh. Interesting. Oh well, just grit your teeth kid, this'll go by _a lot _faster for you if you do." The tattoo artist stated in a monotone.

Ed squeaked in fear, and before he knew it he was holding Envy's hand and, just like the tattoo artist said he would, cried. "N-noooooooo! Owies! Stop it! That hurts!"

"Palm tree, could you shut him up? He's distracting me." The tattoo artist muttered, getting annoyed at the panicking teen.

"Okay." Envy said before flicking Ed's forehead and saying; "Oi, Chibi. Puppy."

"Oh my tattoos, really? Where?"

**I-Am-A-Line-Hear-Me-Yell-About-What-I-Am**

"See, Chibi? You look great with those! It was totally worth it, wasn't it?" Envy asked, grinning as he ruffled Ed's hair.

Scowling, Ed slapped Envy's hand away. "I guess, I mean, I _do _look pretty hot like this."

"Of course you do!" Envy exclaimed, grinning. "Now, put this on!" He dropped an outfit onto Ed's head.

"Is this the super awesome outfit that goes with the hat?" Ed asked, examining the outfit.

Envy grinned. "Yup!"

"…cool. I'll put it on, then." Ed said as he walked into the bathroom to get changed.

**I-Am-A-Line-Hear-Me-Yell-About-What-I-Am**

"Which one do you want, Chibi?" Envy asked, glancing at the short blonde next to him.

Ed 'Hmm'ed. "Oh! I know! The black one, right there!" He pointed to a black fish that looked as if it had black, swirly shadows floating around it.

Envy nodded. "Okay. Oi, we want this one!" He shouted, pointing to the black fishy.

The fish growled and puffed up like a puffer fish, glared at Envy and bared it fangs at him. Envy and Ed just stared at it.

A worker walked over and scooped the fishy into a bag filled with water. After tying it shut, he handed it to the duo and said; "That'll be ten dollars. I'll give you a fish tank and food for it, the tank comes with three decorations of your choice and pebbles of your choice. Go and pick some out, then come up to the counter and pay."

After half an hour of debate, they picked out black and silver pebbles for the bottom of the fish tank, a skull decoration, a castle decoration and some seaweed decorations. The tank they picked out had square glass siding, a black plastic bottom with a space for the fish food, a plastic lid and light that shines down into the tank. All in all, it was really homely.

"So, Ed, are you happy now that you have George Bertha Klaine John Lenny Reni Bartholomue The Third?" Envy asked, smirking at Ed and ruffling the younger boy's hair.

Ed pouted at the treatment but nodded happily in response to the question. "Uh huh! George Bertha Klaine John Lenny Reni Bartholomue The Third is really cute, too! I like him! …her? ….it?"

There was silence between them as they stared at each other in confusion. Was the fish a boy or girl?

_Tick_

_Tock_

_Tick_

_Tock_

Finally, the two both screamed out in unison; "How the Hell how can you tell if a fish is a boy or girl?"

**I-Am-A-Line-Hear-Me-Yell-About-What-I-Am**

"Soooo… can we get my puppy now?" Ed asked Envy, looking at him with the now infamous Bambi-Eyes that he was before thought incapable of preforming.

Envy nodded. "Sure, why not?"

The two had just gotten out of a large and complicated argument with the pet shop owner about if George Bertha Klaine John Lenny Reni Bartholomue The Third was a boy or girl. In the end, the gender of the fish was unable to be found out and they now dubbed it 'Genderless'. Anyway, they were now outside and walking down the pet shop to the puppy store called 'The Puppy Store'.

"Alright Chibi, we're here!" Envy announced a few minutes later, and Ed squealed.

"Yay! Puppy!" He grabbed Envy's hand and ran into the store, dragging the older male behind him.

A girl that worked in The Puppy Store smiled and walked over to them. "Hello! Are you here to buy a puppy?"

Ed nodded and Envy rolled his eyes, muttering "Duh." under his breath.

She giggled. "Okay! Then follow meeeeeeeeeeeeee!" She ran through the store whilst dragging Envy and Ed behind her. "Tadaaaaaaa!" She announced, stopping and pointing at a cage full of puppies.

Ed found the one he wanted in less than five seconds. "Oh my Bartholomue…! Look, Envy! I want THAT ONE! The cute black one with somewhat floppy somewhat straight ears, a super fuzzy tail, shaggy fur, grey eyes and is the smallest one there!"

"Okay." Envy said, picking up said puppy and handing him to the Chibi Alchemist.

Ed grinned. "His name is Puppy! Hi Puppy!" He turned to the shop keeper. "He's mine. Touch him and _**you will die**_."

Just to spite him, the shop keeper reached out and began to pet Puppy.

Ed glared at her, handed Puppy to an amused Envy, awesomely summoned a scythe made out of shadows and sliced off her head.

After the shadow scythe disappeared, Ed took Puppy from Envy and held him against his chest.

Envy raised an eyebrow. "Wow. You did the same thing that Pride can do, only you did it better! You know what, you are now Pride!Ed, but only when you're like, really ticked off."

Ed grinned. "Yay! I'm awesome." There was a pause. "But, seriously, how did I do that?"

Envy shrugged. "I don't know."

**I-Am-A-Line-Hear-Me-Yell-About-What-I-Am**

"Okay," Ed started. "So we're going to invade Colonel Bastard's office, announce that I am no longer on their side and dramatically kill them; all the while the bomb we planted will slowly be ticking away and when we jump out of the window awesomely the building will go boom?"

Envy nodded. "Yup! This is what everyone gets for not putting whipped cream on their strawberries that are on their cakes."

Ed grinned. "Awesome."

**I-Am-A-Line-Hear-Me-Yell-About-What-I-Am**

Ed slammed open the door to Colonel Mustang's (Or as Ed liked to call him: Colonel Bastard's) office. Everyone looked over, their eyes widening when they saw Ed.

"B-Brother…!" Alphonse (Who was in the office for some strange and unknown reason) exclaimed. "What are you wearing…? And are those tattoos?"

Ed nodded. "Yup. Oh, and just so you know, I'm not your Brother anymore."

Everyone's eyes widened. "W-what are you…"

Ed grinned demonically. "Because, for us to be Brothers, we have to be on the same side of the war."

Everyone blinked. Roy raised an eyebrow. "Fullmetal, what are you talking about? You're on the same side as us."

Envy then swaggered into the room (like a boss!) and hooked his arms around Ed's waist. "Well, the You-Know-What has been set. We have about fifteen minutes until Operation: Boom is completed."

Ed grinned. "Yay! Operation: Boom is fun!" He then turned to the other occupants of the room who all looked shocked, confused and lost.

Envy smirked. "So, Chibi, did you tell them?"

Ed nodded. "Yup, but they don't believe me."

"Well of course they don't!" Envy said, laughing. "You've been on their side ever since you were_ twelve_! Why would you suddenly change?"

Ed grinned. "Maybe… Because _I'm in love_?" He asked dramatically, pecking Envy on the cheek for effect.

Alphonse fainted, remembered that he was only a soul and couldn't faint, woke back up again and screamed. "Oh my Blood Seal…! Are you two serious?"

Ed and Envy both laughed. "Oh, no way!" Ed said, doubling over from laughing so hard.

"Why would I be in love with Edo?" Envy asked, grinning in amusement. "We're just friends!"

"I can't believe you fell for that!" Ed exclaimed, mirroring Envy's grin. "But, anyway, yeah, I did switch sides." At their shocked/stunned/ready-to-faint expressions, he smirked. "Seriously, I know, right? Shocking! But I switched and I'm here to… Shit! Envy! We never planned out what we were going to say! What do I say?"

Envy put on a pair of square, black rimmed sunglasses. "Let me handle this." He stepped forward and crossed his arms as he stared down the occupants of the room, Ed hiding behind him. "Yo. My names Envy, as you all know, and I made that romance bit up for show. Edo is no longer on your side of things, and later I'll steal him a good looking ring. Yeah. He switched so he can get some cool stuff, and no, this isn't all just a bluff. He has a puppy now, and he's wanting a cow, but-oh wow, ya'll don't really like me now, huh? This is my rap, so shut yo traps. Just so you all know, this buildin' is 'bout ta go. I don't have time to kill ya, but Hell, I'll sure miss ya. This buildin' is about to meet it's end, and I'll give ya'll a hint: Bomb."

Silence met this awesome rap and everyone stared at him.

"I liked it!" Ed exclaimed, grinning happily up at Envy. "When did you learn how to rap, Envy?" Ed asked, staring up at said sin with wide eyes.

Envy's arms were crossed and he was wearing an oversized black hoodie, a purple beanie and had golden chains hanging off of his neck. He was still wearing his sun glasses and, all in all, he looked awesome. "I learned in the seventh grade. You like?"

Ed 'Hmm'ed. "Eh, not really. But it was cool!"

After Envy changed back into his normal outfit, he checked the time and smirked. "Well, the You-Know-What is about to fulfill operation: Boom, so we should probably go." He grabbed Ed's hand and led him over to the window. They stood in front of it for a few moments, humming and tapping their feet when Envy's watch beeped. "Time to go! See you all in Hell!"

Ed and Envy both jumped out of the window and the building behind them exploded. Sadly, their hair and butts got singed. Happily, they destroyed the Military HQ and everyone in it! Yay!

**I-Am-A-Line-Hear-Me-Yell-About-What-I-Am**

"Well, that was radically amazingly awesome." Ed stated, wearing his black super fuzzy hat, leaning back in his leather chair and propping his feet up on the end table.

Envy laughed, mirroring his position. "Yeah, it totally was."

After a moment of silence, a voice dully stated. "Envy, Ed, what are you two doing back already? And… wait. Ed?" Lust, the speaker, turned to look at Envy with a shocked expression. "You actually got him to turn over to our side? How?"

Ed grinned. "I got a fishy, a puppy, a fuzzy hat, tattoos, a possibly poisonous tree, an awesome CD, a cake with strawberries with whipped cream, chocolate chip cookies and I got to help kill everyone that never put whipped cream on their strawberries that are on their cakes!"

Lust looked shocked and opened her mouth to say something but Ed cut her off. "Oh, and I also got this super awesome outfit!"

Lust looked at his outfit and, she couldn't help but agree, it _was _a great outfit! It was so… fashionable!

"Oh, Ed!" She squealed. "You _must _tell me where you got that outfit!"

Ed grinned and proceeded to tell her where he got it from. After a few minutes of talking, they were both squealing and looking at one of Lust's fashion magazines.

Envy smirked at his two fashionable comrades. With Edo here, things will be _much _more entertaining.

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><p><strong>AN: **Yo. Was that a good story, yes or no? It's a simple question, really, and your answer won't bother me. If you want, you can me tell your favorite part. Anywho, I'd love to hear from you all, so please review! -smiles- ~Fibfi-Chan


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